Poignant Thoughts and Reflections

As I reflect upon my life anew with my loving wife and adorable little boy I am reminded of the trials and adversity which created this loving family. Since many of you don't know the story I will summarize the trials which turned into blessings for this family...

About six and a half years ago I returned to this town with great difficulty. After all, who wants to return to the place where life, as they knew it, fell apart? I was in the middle of a rather nasty divorce and the rumors in this small community were flying like swarms of mosquito's flitting from one group of acquaintances to another. The only thing keeping me going was the fact that I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to do. My sons needed their father and I needed my sons. I was feeling very much alone at that point in my life. After all, to be LDS and divorced is like being Amish having a plasma screen T.V.

It was amazing to me that once I made the decision to return to this little community, everything just seemed to fall into place to allow me to do just that! The company that I worked for was downsizing their Salt Lake office so instead of having to quit that company I got a nice severance package which allowed me to immediately move back out here. I found an apartment and family helped me move my meager belongings back to the place of so many bad memories. In spite of my reservations, however, being closer to my sons was a definite joy for me. I now had the opportunity to not only spend more time with them but be more of an influence in their lives.

Now let us move forward a few months...

I was then officially divorced (and feeling very much like the 72 Pinto with a gas leak). I had just started going to institute classes and to the singles activities but I still felt like I needed a big L painted on my forehead for LOOSER. It was at one such activity that I met her...the most wonderful woman I know. We hit off a friendship right away it was like we had never been apart (I know that sound cliche but it's true). She and I and several of our friends always hung out together. I was still very much gunshy from my previous experience but it was wonderful to have friends and not feel alone anymore.

We started a Family Home Evening group and our friendships were even closer than before. Rachelle and I were viewed as the Mom and Dad of the group as we did most of the planning of activities and lessons. I was starting to have feelings for Rachelle but still very much in denial about these feelings. I'm sure she could tell you quite a few stories about the many times I broke her heart as I struggled with my own feelings of inadequacy and fear but that is not what I want to focus on.

The turning point for our relationship began with a tragedy. The day began as a wonderful fun time with our group. We went hiking and had water fights and explored small caverns all in all it was a good day. The few of us that had recommends decided to go to the Temple that evening. It was a very special experience which is too personal for me to share here. After going to the Temple we were heading to our cars to go back to Rachelle's and watch a movie or two. In the parking lot a car was waiting, I thought maybe it was someone who needed directions or something, but in fact it was my ex-brother-in-law. I noticed the grave look on his face and my heart began to sink rapidly. He said "There's been an accident...your younger son drowned today." My mind reeled, my body went limp I could not fathom what was being expressed to me nor did I hear much after that. I remember vaguely being half carried back to find my mother who was working in the Temple that night.

What happened afterward is that I began to see Rachelle in a completely different light. She was my strength during this time. She rallied my friends around me and she made sure I ate and that my laundry was done. When I got down, she was the first person I called to talk with and vent to. Many prayers were given by her on my behalf and many heartfelt condolences and empathetic tears were shed by her.

Even after all she had done for me, however, I was still very fearful of entering into another committed relationship. So I had to be hit with what she called thereafter "my spiritual two by four". Trust me you don't want one of these! I was at a training to prepare me for a test for my job, the last thing I remember was that the video the instructor was preparing to show us was very fuzzy. The next thing I knew was that I was waking up on the floor with the instructor peering over me and asking me my name. I had just experienced what doctors refer to as a Grand Mal Seizure. I guess I convulsed on the floor for about 12 to 15 minutes while those in the class were watching me in horror.

Needless to say that after a seizure like that they don't let you drive for a few months afterward. Strange huh? What did Rachelle do in this crisis? She organized rides for me every single day and she herself chauffeured me around like a celebrity when she wasn't working. When I needed to go to SLC to a specialist to determine the cause of the seizure it was Rachelle, not my family, that took time off of work to drive me to SLC and back.

Well the two by four worked! I finally realized that a woman who would do all of those things for me without expecting anything in return, was the woman that I wanted to marry. Since that time I have never forgotten the ways in which she cared for me and watched out for me. I have tried to be there for her at times of trial in her life such as our struggle with infertility and our relationship has blossomed in ways I could never have imagined possible. I look at our family now and realize what a blessing our times of difficulty have turned out to be. I know I never would have found a more wonderful companion, friend, confidant, and lover than I have now without these trials.

Top 10 Possible Uses for Baby Poopie!

I know what a disgusting topic right? I would normally agree with you but after changing many a poopie diaper in my life as Mr. Mom I have considered the alternative uses for this stuff rather than merely throwing them away. Here is the list I came up with...

10) Construction: In Cam's case if you could somehow get rid of the smell (obviously) his poopie might just relieve the shortage of cement that the country is suffering now.

9) Sports: Rules of the new game? Get rid of the poopie before becoming overwhelmed and needing resuscitation from the smell. The team with the most players still conscious wins. Who knows maybe this will become a new Olympic sport as well.

8) New adhesive: Perhaps we have finally found an alternative to super glue! This stuff after all sticks to his bottom like nothing I have ever seen!

7) Energy source: If you could only harness the energy it takes him to squeeze out the poopie you would have cheap, clean (sort of) energy for the whole world.

6) Military applications: Forget nuclear warheads and scud missiles! One of these babies could clear an entire city while leaving the buildings intact!

5) Automotive: Surely there must be a way to derive a fuel source from this stuff. After all, Cam seems to have more energy after he’s made a poopie. He sure does seem to be a lot harder to catch after he’s done. Need octane boost to increase performance? Who needs octane boost when you have poopie boost?

4) Law enforcement: Forget the tear gas and riot gear. One of these poopie diapers hurled at an unruly crowd and you have instant cooperation.

3) Pest control: I don’t know about you but I sure as heck would clear out of the house if I smelled one of these! Plus which fact, the smell of poopie can permeate faster and more efficiently than most pesticides I’ve used in the past.

2) Ending the war in Iraq: Yep you drop a couple of these babies on select targets and I guarantee that any terrorist group or warring faction will surrender immediately!

1) Unwelcome guests: You’ll never see your least favorite relatives, salespeople or Jehovah’s Witnesses spring for the door faster in your life. Guaranteed to clear them out in 30 seconds or less.

All right I’m finished with my disgusting post! You can all stop wrinkling up your noses in horror now. Chalk it up to a warped sense of humor and my slightly demented wife’s suggestion.

Top 10 signs that you are obsessed with Harry Potter

10) You have thought about naming your children one of the following: Sirius, Harry, Hermione, Remus, Minerva or Albus.

9) You have ever mumbled "Avada Kadavra" or "Crucio" under your breath when someone annoys you.

8) Your spouse has ever caught you saying "Up" to that Wal-Mart special broom that you own.

7) You have ever seriously considered buying any of the Noble Collection merchandise.

6) You have a fully functional Dementors costume hanging in your closet right now.

5) You have in your possession or have ever wanted a bumper sticker stating either that "My other vehicle is a Firebolt" or "If you can read this then...Avada Kadavra!"

4) You have ever referred to your boss or other authority figure as "The Dark Lord"

3) The words spew, owl, newt and D.A. have totally different meanings in your mind.

2) Your spouse catches you using her eye-liner to draw a lightning bolt scar on your own son's forehead.

And finally the number 1 sign that you are obsessed with Harry Potter is... You have the date of March 7th marked on your calendar and remind your spouse everyday of the number of days left to the release of Goblet of Fire on DVD.

Yes I am guilty myself to many of these so don't be shy to let me know if you find yourself relating to many of these signs as well. If you dare, let me know which ones you or your spouse are guilty of and we will compare them this weekend.

Harry Potter Blaspheme of the Day

(Sing this to the tune of "All Creatures of Our God and King")

Harry, Hermione and Ron...
This obsession's sick and wrong
Harry Potter, Harry Potter

I check your sites most everyday
Like a train wreck can't look away
Harry Potter, Harry Potter
Harry Potter, I'm addicted to Harry Potter

Pathetic right? I know what can I say? Everyone has to have their drug of choice mine just happens to be a literary figure! Oh well I guess there are worse things of which I could have an addiction. I'm thinking of starting the HPA Harry Potter's Anonymous club to provide a step by step process for reducing the amount of searching for Harry Potter merchandise, book info, movie info, and games to feed the habit.

Hi my name is Mark and I am a Potterholic! (crowd: "Hi Mark!") It's been about 10 seconds since I had my last Potter fix....

Let me know if there are any more Potter junkies like me out there. Come on don't be shy you know who you are!

Top 10 ways to know that you are a BAD driver!

10) Your insurance agent sends you an invitation to a house warming party for their brand new home. The card also states that he/she couldn't have done it without you!

9) Your picture is posted as employee of the month at the local repair shop.

8) Car manufacturers use you to test the safety of new designs rather than the usual crash test dummies.

7) A special question is added to the driver’s license exam which asks how one would safely navigate past your vehicle.

6) Your car insurance premiums oddly resemble the national deficit.

5) The deer have signs up warning them that you may be crossing their path.

4) MAACO has just invited you to be their national spokesperson.

3) Emergency vehicles pull off the road to let you pass.

2) You have been refused as the designated driver more than once.

And finally the number 1 way to know that you are a bad driver is…The 2007 vehicles are coming out with pre-dented fenders in your honor.

Snail Trails and Puppy Tails

That's what Mr. Moms are made of... The daily activity first thing in the morning is for us to wait on the bed for mom to get ready. He likes to kneel against me and play on my stomach. (This gives me another good reason to decrease the size of his “play table”) Well while he played this morning he figured "Hmm why stop playing and have my nose wiped when I have a perfect hanky right here?" Hence the snail trails on daddy’s clean shirt. I'm actually thinking of designing a line of clothing with snail trails as part of the fabric design. This way moms and Mr. moms alike won't have to try and explain the strange marks all over their clothing. What do you think? The puppy tails comes into play because my twelve pound Shih Tzu has decided he must have missed his calling in life as a parrot and has to either sit on my shoulder, on my chest, or most of the time he tries to sit on my head!

Oh I almost forgot, for you dieters out there I have a new way to knock off a few calories from evil things like Burritos. It involves having a 10 month old and a puppy who beg bites from you the entire time you are eating. Trust me, this diet plan works! I figure I knocked off more than a few calories by simply siphoning off some bites to one and then the other. I'm a great dad aren't I? Giving my son such a healthy breakfast as that! Boy I should be up for an award! :) Don't worry I gave him some fruit afterward for you health nuts out there who are wondering what an aneurism feels like!

Be sure to watch for the top 10 list later this week! I need some input...Top 10 possible industrial uses for baby poopy or Top 10 ways to know you are a bad driver? Which one? Or if you have another idea I'm open for suggestions.

10 Ways to Know You Live in My Little Redneck Town!

Since I believe every Blog needs to have its own signature posting here is my contribution. Every week I will post a different top 10 list. This weeks posting is lovingly taken from my experiences in what my wife and I like to call “The armpit of Utah” (Hint you must read this using in your mind your best late night host voice)

10) The words mall and Wal-Mart are synonymous with each other

9) The local steakhouse is considered fine dining

8) The local dentists give discounts based on the number of teeth you have left

7) You can purchase stuffed dead animals at the same store you would purchase your living room set and they are considered home interior accent pieces

6) People randomly drop g’s off the end of words (huntin’, fishin’, campin’, etc)

5) People dress up and take their kids with them when they go to the auto parts stores

4) The cab of the truck is used for the dogs while the bed of the truck is for kids and spouse

3) Personal hygiene is a foreign word to most people

2) Rodeo and Monster Truck Rally’s are considered top cultural events

And the number 1 way to know you live in a redneck town like mine is…You can use the neighbors truck for a carport!

My official resignation

That’s it! I’ve had it! I had to completely strip Cam down and bath him thoroughly twice yesterday. Oh it’s not his fault per se, after all he cannot control the bodily functions which created my dilemma yesterday. The first causation of mandatory bathing was when he woke up yesterday. He has been sleeping through the night (knocking on wood) so neither my wife or I heard any stirrings from him until 6:30 in the morning. When I went in to get him up the poor kid had thrown up at some point during the night and had it all over himself. I don’t know how he slept after that! Talk about making you feel like the worst parent ever! I got him up, stripped him down, and bathed him and we pulled his sheets and mattress pad off and washed them.

Whew major crisis of the day handled (or so I thought) Camden on the other hand had other plans mua-ha-ha-ha (evil laugh). About one o’clock I fixed myself some lunch since he was having fun rolling around the floor and playing (little did I know it was all an evil plot against his daddy). I sat down next to him on the floor and began to eat, I was almost finished when the familiar pungent aroma filled my nostrils and I knew that someone in the room had just made a mess worthy of a Camden mess. Since I deduced that the dog had been next to me begging the entire time and also that I, myself did not make such a mess I concluded that it must be Mr. Poop-miser (insert tune from the popular Christmas special involving Heat-miser and Cold-miser).

The dread began to fill my chest as I gingerly lifted him toward me very much like a chef removing a delicate soufflé from the oven. Now at this point something in Cam’s genetic makeup or possibly some former instructions from the pre-mortal existence kicked in and he began to vehemently resist my near futile attempts to remove the smelly substance from his body. Naturally with his infamous “no-butt” scenario he managed to get it all up his back and in the process of trying to carefully remove the soiled onesie that he had on, he also managed (through hard work and flailing efforts) to get it in his hair as well. After contacting Roto-Rooter and determining that they were ill-equipped for this kind of disaster, I quickly carted him upstairs to the bath again.

Now I should point out at this particular moment that I was not finished eating my lunch yet and since I already had a disaster worthy of a Hazmat team, I was not thinking clearly. I set my unfinished lunch on the arm of the couch and began the trek upstairs. I washed Cam thoroughly, again, found him a new onesie and trudged downstairs to the scene of the crime to re-dress him. The first thing I noticed upon arriving downstairs was that my Shi-Tzu had helped me out (in his own way of course) by cleaning my plate for me. Of course it could also be pointed out that my unfinished lunch used to dwell on said plate. Well I took the loss of my lunch in true sportsmanlike fashion (you know telling him that he would NEVER get another crumb from me, EVER!).

Consequently, the first thought that came to mind after this incident was the absence of gagging and choking on my part as I cleaned up these two minor disasters. I thought instantly of the description given by Jeff Foxworthy in his monologue and my mind rehearsed the words; “…Mothers will clean up stuff that would gag the Roto-Rooter man. Sewage could be spewing out of the toilet and there’s mom in the bathroom with a mop “Singin’ in the rain, just singin’ in the rain””. It was then that I realized that I truly have earned the title of Mr. Mom. So I would like to thank the Academy, my parents and wife but I’m afraid I’m going to have to tender my resignation as the local Haz-Mat removal expert.

Babysitting vs. being a parent

OK, here it is the pet peeve of the day...

If any of you fathers out there ever refer to taking care of your children as "babysitting" be prepared for the unleashing of Mr. Mom! That's right! Gonna get medieval on your hiney!

Let me explain the difference between babysitting and being a parent.

1. You contributed to the creation of your own children whereas a child you are babysitting belongs to someone else.
2. Your wife does not consider it babysitting when she cares for the children so neither do you have that luxury of downgrading being a parent to mere babysitting.
3. Babysitting is usually coupled with payment in the form of cash or the offer to watch your children another time. Sorry to disappoint you dads out there who believe that you should be compensated for caring for your own children but you may just find yourself on the Dr. Phil show if you insist on compensation.
4. Finally, having provided care while my wife is at work, there are distinct bonding differences between babysitting and caring for your own child. For instance, I don’t believe I ever marveled at every new discovery that a child I was babysitting made nor do I ever remember picking up that child and hugging them close just because.

So fathers of the world beware! If you insist on calling caring for your children “babysitting” you better dang well be sitting on the baby or be prepared for my wrath! (Scared aren’t you?) I love the time I have with my son and I hope I have the opportunity to bond this closely with all of our children.

Randomness of the day

Why is it that helping my son discover new and exciting things like how to blow a proper raspberry, and the fine art of making noises by moving your lips with your fingers is sooo much more fulfilling than helping 50 of the finest rednecks in town find a part for their trucks? Hmmm that could be the greatest mystery of the western world. I love to watch him as he discovers new things that he can do with his body. His newest discovery is that dad's lap is the place to be when you want to look at a good book. He will grab his favorite book and try and crawl into my lap...ahhh does it really get any better than that?

Seven things to do before I die:

Go back and visit Brazil together with my wife

Graduate college! Woo hoo!

Get accompaniment written for my songs and hopefully get them recorded

Publish a book with my wife

Go to Italy (hey if my wife is going I'm dang well going with her!)

Loose enough weight that when I step on a scale it doesn't say "Come back when you are alone"

Make a positive impact on my children's lives

Seven things I cannot do:

Understand or watch Road Rules/Real World Challenge with my wife without poking fun at it

Walk and chew gum at the same time

Blow a bubble with bubblegum

Listen, with interest, to any story that begins with the following phrases: "One day when we was huntin'...", "My car/truck has...", "I watched the (football/basketball/baseball) game last night..."

A cartwheel

Talk as fast as my wife can

Remain silent when someone does or says something really dumb

Seven Things that Attract Me to My Spouse(not necessarily in this order!):

Her strength (she has an incredible, almost unshakeable fortitude)

Her laughter

Her smile

Her quirkiness (I tease her about it constantly but it really is an endearing quality)

Her quick-wittedness (she matches me comeback after comeback)

Her support (before we ever took the step of becoming an eternal companionship she was my best friend and my sole emotional support through many difficult times)

Her love (it is unconditional and complete)

Seven Things I Say Most Often:

Doh! (must use Homer Simpson voice)

Thank you for calling Checker Auto we beat the competitors price by five percent this is Mark I can help you (hate that one)

Son of a... that's gonna leave a mark

Tai Beaux stop it! (our dog)

I love you (both to my wife and my son)

Sweetheart/Sweetie (to my wife of course)

Nice!

Seven books I love:

Harry Potter 1

2

3

4

5

6

And I'm sure I will love seven when it comes out! lol

I also like the Chronicles of Narnia series and The Work and the Glory series

Seven movies I could watch over and over again:

Tommy Boy

Star Wars (just to irritate my wife)

Oscar

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (I know, I know I'm a little twisted)

The Mummy

Armegeddon

You've Got Mail

The list could go on and on

Seven people I want to join in:

John

Jacob

Jingleheimer

Scmidt

Mohonri Moriacomer

Jack Frost

The Easter Bunny

I don't know enough people who are intelligent enough to Blog isn't that sad?

Introducing...Mr. Mom

Allow me to set the stage for the rest of my Blog. At first glance I would appear to be your typical 6'8" 320 lbs male (as if that were in any way a measure of normalcy). Up until 5 months ago I held the not-so-prestigious job of Store Manager at Checker Auto. Nothing, however, could have prepared me for the career of a lifetime… (Dramatic music)… Stay-at-home-Dad. Managing a store with 9 employees is nothing compared to the awe-inspiring task of managing feeding time, changing diapers (and often entire outfits as detailed here ), figuring out what he wants to play with next and the all important nap schedule (a crucial item if you want to save what sanity you may have left). I am also going to school full time (which is the reason I play Mr. Mom) so trying to find time to do homework is always a challenge. All in all we can say that life in our house is never dull there is always something that needs to be written, changed, learned, put away, fixed, cleaned, folded, washed, or organized.