Poignant Thoughts and Reflections

As I reflect upon my life anew with my loving wife and adorable little boy I am reminded of the trials and adversity which created this loving family. Since many of you don't know the story I will summarize the trials which turned into blessings for this family...

About six and a half years ago I returned to this town with great difficulty. After all, who wants to return to the place where life, as they knew it, fell apart? I was in the middle of a rather nasty divorce and the rumors in this small community were flying like swarms of mosquito's flitting from one group of acquaintances to another. The only thing keeping me going was the fact that I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to do. My sons needed their father and I needed my sons. I was feeling very much alone at that point in my life. After all, to be LDS and divorced is like being Amish having a plasma screen T.V.

It was amazing to me that once I made the decision to return to this little community, everything just seemed to fall into place to allow me to do just that! The company that I worked for was downsizing their Salt Lake office so instead of having to quit that company I got a nice severance package which allowed me to immediately move back out here. I found an apartment and family helped me move my meager belongings back to the place of so many bad memories. In spite of my reservations, however, being closer to my sons was a definite joy for me. I now had the opportunity to not only spend more time with them but be more of an influence in their lives.

Now let us move forward a few months...

I was then officially divorced (and feeling very much like the 72 Pinto with a gas leak). I had just started going to institute classes and to the singles activities but I still felt like I needed a big L painted on my forehead for LOOSER. It was at one such activity that I met her...the most wonderful woman I know. We hit off a friendship right away it was like we had never been apart (I know that sound cliche but it's true). She and I and several of our friends always hung out together. I was still very much gunshy from my previous experience but it was wonderful to have friends and not feel alone anymore.

We started a Family Home Evening group and our friendships were even closer than before. Rachelle and I were viewed as the Mom and Dad of the group as we did most of the planning of activities and lessons. I was starting to have feelings for Rachelle but still very much in denial about these feelings. I'm sure she could tell you quite a few stories about the many times I broke her heart as I struggled with my own feelings of inadequacy and fear but that is not what I want to focus on.

The turning point for our relationship began with a tragedy. The day began as a wonderful fun time with our group. We went hiking and had water fights and explored small caverns all in all it was a good day. The few of us that had recommends decided to go to the Temple that evening. It was a very special experience which is too personal for me to share here. After going to the Temple we were heading to our cars to go back to Rachelle's and watch a movie or two. In the parking lot a car was waiting, I thought maybe it was someone who needed directions or something, but in fact it was my ex-brother-in-law. I noticed the grave look on his face and my heart began to sink rapidly. He said "There's been an accident...your younger son drowned today." My mind reeled, my body went limp I could not fathom what was being expressed to me nor did I hear much after that. I remember vaguely being half carried back to find my mother who was working in the Temple that night.

What happened afterward is that I began to see Rachelle in a completely different light. She was my strength during this time. She rallied my friends around me and she made sure I ate and that my laundry was done. When I got down, she was the first person I called to talk with and vent to. Many prayers were given by her on my behalf and many heartfelt condolences and empathetic tears were shed by her.

Even after all she had done for me, however, I was still very fearful of entering into another committed relationship. So I had to be hit with what she called thereafter "my spiritual two by four". Trust me you don't want one of these! I was at a training to prepare me for a test for my job, the last thing I remember was that the video the instructor was preparing to show us was very fuzzy. The next thing I knew was that I was waking up on the floor with the instructor peering over me and asking me my name. I had just experienced what doctors refer to as a Grand Mal Seizure. I guess I convulsed on the floor for about 12 to 15 minutes while those in the class were watching me in horror.

Needless to say that after a seizure like that they don't let you drive for a few months afterward. Strange huh? What did Rachelle do in this crisis? She organized rides for me every single day and she herself chauffeured me around like a celebrity when she wasn't working. When I needed to go to SLC to a specialist to determine the cause of the seizure it was Rachelle, not my family, that took time off of work to drive me to SLC and back.

Well the two by four worked! I finally realized that a woman who would do all of those things for me without expecting anything in return, was the woman that I wanted to marry. Since that time I have never forgotten the ways in which she cared for me and watched out for me. I have tried to be there for her at times of trial in her life such as our struggle with infertility and our relationship has blossomed in ways I could never have imagined possible. I look at our family now and realize what a blessing our times of difficulty have turned out to be. I know I never would have found a more wonderful companion, friend, confidant, and lover than I have now without these trials.