My official resignation

That’s it! I’ve had it! I had to completely strip Cam down and bath him thoroughly twice yesterday. Oh it’s not his fault per se, after all he cannot control the bodily functions which created my dilemma yesterday. The first causation of mandatory bathing was when he woke up yesterday. He has been sleeping through the night (knocking on wood) so neither my wife or I heard any stirrings from him until 6:30 in the morning. When I went in to get him up the poor kid had thrown up at some point during the night and had it all over himself. I don’t know how he slept after that! Talk about making you feel like the worst parent ever! I got him up, stripped him down, and bathed him and we pulled his sheets and mattress pad off and washed them.

Whew major crisis of the day handled (or so I thought) Camden on the other hand had other plans mua-ha-ha-ha (evil laugh). About one o’clock I fixed myself some lunch since he was having fun rolling around the floor and playing (little did I know it was all an evil plot against his daddy). I sat down next to him on the floor and began to eat, I was almost finished when the familiar pungent aroma filled my nostrils and I knew that someone in the room had just made a mess worthy of a Camden mess. Since I deduced that the dog had been next to me begging the entire time and also that I, myself did not make such a mess I concluded that it must be Mr. Poop-miser (insert tune from the popular Christmas special involving Heat-miser and Cold-miser).

The dread began to fill my chest as I gingerly lifted him toward me very much like a chef removing a delicate soufflé from the oven. Now at this point something in Cam’s genetic makeup or possibly some former instructions from the pre-mortal existence kicked in and he began to vehemently resist my near futile attempts to remove the smelly substance from his body. Naturally with his infamous “no-butt” scenario he managed to get it all up his back and in the process of trying to carefully remove the soiled onesie that he had on, he also managed (through hard work and flailing efforts) to get it in his hair as well. After contacting Roto-Rooter and determining that they were ill-equipped for this kind of disaster, I quickly carted him upstairs to the bath again.

Now I should point out at this particular moment that I was not finished eating my lunch yet and since I already had a disaster worthy of a Hazmat team, I was not thinking clearly. I set my unfinished lunch on the arm of the couch and began the trek upstairs. I washed Cam thoroughly, again, found him a new onesie and trudged downstairs to the scene of the crime to re-dress him. The first thing I noticed upon arriving downstairs was that my Shi-Tzu had helped me out (in his own way of course) by cleaning my plate for me. Of course it could also be pointed out that my unfinished lunch used to dwell on said plate. Well I took the loss of my lunch in true sportsmanlike fashion (you know telling him that he would NEVER get another crumb from me, EVER!).

Consequently, the first thought that came to mind after this incident was the absence of gagging and choking on my part as I cleaned up these two minor disasters. I thought instantly of the description given by Jeff Foxworthy in his monologue and my mind rehearsed the words; “…Mothers will clean up stuff that would gag the Roto-Rooter man. Sewage could be spewing out of the toilet and there’s mom in the bathroom with a mop “Singin’ in the rain, just singin’ in the rain””. It was then that I realized that I truly have earned the title of Mr. Mom. So I would like to thank the Academy, my parents and wife but I’m afraid I’m going to have to tender my resignation as the local Haz-Mat removal expert.